i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
