yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
