My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
