I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We are all done wearing pants today
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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