38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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