3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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