Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
