I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation