oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
