I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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