I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
