so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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