Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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