i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
