I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
