i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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