You're completely useless in the revolution.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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