3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
