he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
