she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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