why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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