I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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