So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
