Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
