last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Randomize
