so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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