Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
