Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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