I want to have your abortion
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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