i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
