my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
