I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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