I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
