So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
