All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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