There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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