She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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