At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
