life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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