When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
