I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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