I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
