He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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