its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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