Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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