i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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