Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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