I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Boobs are out for the taking
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
