There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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