Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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