Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
