I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
