My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
