Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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