Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm always down for nudity.
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