we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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