hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it's great music for shaving your balls
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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